I have to say, last week my “recovery” was put to the test – here I am talking about taking life’s challenges and celebrating successes and now I have a pretty massive one to share with you 😊
Last week I went for a full medical (insurance). Chris was due for his so we booked the appointment together.
Chris got called into the nurse’s office first, a few minutes passed and he walks out still holding his shoes…it hits me – I have to be weighed…
I haven’t weighed myself since the start of my recovery 7 plus years ago when I realised just how soul destroying the simple act of “weighing oneself” is for your health, mind and body. (don’t even get me started on BMI – massive eye roll). As I’m walking to the nurse’s room a moment of pure panic hits, it’s hard to explain or even understand if you have never walked this walk. At first Chris called me back and asked if he should go explain (the usual process of explaining why I don’t want to be weighed ) but new Neural pathways had time to kick in, bringing me back from the isolated grips of an eating disordered mind and reminding me that I have a choice, to let a “simple” number on a scale determine my worth OR to stand on the GOD DAMN SCALE and LET IT GO, render it to the space it deserves. All of “this” internal dialogue going on before having to stand on the scale (surprised my blood pressured remained normal)
As the nurse instructed, I take off my shoes and move to the scale, the dialogue continues “I’m happy with my body, my health is near perfect. Why would this be any different once stepping on a scale? Nothing about me changes. I am ready”
I take a deep breath (literally and I’m pretty sure the nurse is eyeing me out at this point considering I still haven’t moved) and onto the scale I stand.
A moment of indifference, where perhaps even for the first time I had overcome one of my biggest demons. Was I happy with the weight? not really, which is why I think the point of “weighing oneself” is NOT a true reflection, and often detrimental to your health. I am however happy with how my body looks and FUNCTIONS, no matter the number on a scale and that’s what recovery looks like…not perfection, not weight loss but HEALTH!
The true success was in the fact that I had managed to let it go, I didn’t worry about the number on the scale nor did I start making new “diet promises”. We had to spend another 2 hours having X-rays and blood tests done and it was only once we walked to the car that Chris gave me the tightest hug in the world and told me how proud he is of me, that I realised what he was talking about! Poor guy, imagine his pain watching me struggle with things like this? But isn’t it amazing how life can change, how YOU can change, if you allow it?
It will NOT be easy but it will be WORTH it!